Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Fruit Can Totally Mummify. For Reals.

I found a mummified kiwi yesterday noon-ish.

I am totally not making this up. Also, I have pictographic evidence. Photographic. Eh, "pictographic" sounds cooler, and also it is apparently a word because Firefox didn't give me the angry red line, even though it totally gave me the angry red line for "didn't" before I added the T even though "didn't" is totally a word.

Ahem. Pictorial evidence. (Apparently, that is also a word. Actually, I think I already knew that...)

Mummified Kiwi, FTW
Also, FTW is not a word. But I really hope everyone knew that already.

No, I did not just get on to post pictures and no story. So, here is the pathetic excuse for a story that goes along with the delightful mummified kiwi.

I was hanging out in the front yard, putting off working on my novel (which reminds me I need to update the word counter), and basically digging around in the dirt because our front yard has awesome stuff like abandoned snail shells and pieces of glass and also a giant bolt that I think came out of the push-mower we borrowed from some people last summer. Anyway, I came upon this... thing. I had no freaking clue what it was. I didn't want to touch it, either. But I wanted to know what it was 'cause I'm morbidly curious like that. So I poked it with a stick.

...yes. That is the normal response. Don't know what a strange object in the lawn is? Poke it with a stick! That answers all of life's questions!

Except this one. The stick broke, because we're still technically in winter and it snowed a few days ago so the stupid stick was wet and dead and just generally fragile. Still afraid to touch it, I lifted it with two sticks and brought it over near a rock I had stuck in the ground a few minutes prior. Don't judge me.

The dirt was, unfortunately, the only surface within reach of that rock, and each time I tried to poke the thing, it just got more dirt on it. So, I re-relocated it, this time to a larger rock on the lawn.

At this point, I decided trying to break open a strange organic object whose outer covering resembled leather with a rock and a stick simply wasn't going to cut it. Thus, I touched it. With my actual hands. Not, like, fake hands; unfortunately, I do not have a pair of fake hands. I would love some, assuming they didn't replace my real hands, not least because I enjoy discovering stuff in the dirt and some of that stuff is just too gross to touch with real hands.

I digress.

I still could not figure out what it was, so I continued my attempts to open it, since at this time I'd decided it would be better to dissect it than just to poke it with a rock. I peeled it, hoping the leathery outer layer would just be, say, layers of rotten plaster-cloth-stuff and eventually I would get to the center. Well, no such luck. Then I thought, what if it's an animal or bug of some sort, and I get it open and touch bug ichor? That thought disgusted me enough that I went back to the rock.

(If I thought it really *was* an animal, or a living thing in general, I would not have continued my attempts to open it. However, if it had been alive, it was dead by this point, and also I was pretty sure I'd seen this thing before last summer, so it was safe to assume it was very, very dead, or a plant.)

Long story short--well, actually, no, 'cause really this took two seconds or so--the thing opened, spewing forth the most marvelously disgusting green ichor. (I love that word. Firefox has decided it's not a word when followed by a period. However, the first time I typed it, followed by a question mark, Firefox failed to point it out with its red squiggly line of FAIL. Now it underlines it whether it's followed by a question mark or not. Way to exhibit selective spelling racism, Firefox!)

In the end, I decided it was a mummified kiwi. This is the only conclusion that makes sense. Why? The thing is the approximate size of a kiwi, and its innards were green. That is hard-boiled PROOF, peeps!

Anyway, I will post a picture of this marvelously disgusting goop, because I feel like people today haven't been scarred enough by life yet. You're welcome.

I just realized you can't really see the goop, because it totally looks like part of the rock. Oh, well.
And yes, I was being sarcastic.

Update: Even though I actually wrote in the post that I needed to update the word counter... I forgot. Bad Lilli. I'll go do that now.


  1. Sounds like exactly what I would have done. So funny! Glad it wasn't an alient pod or something...or maybe it was. Hmmm...

  2. Alien... pod...? O.0

    For some reason, that totally never crossed my mind during the entire venture. Huh. Interesting thought...

    0.O <--(paranoia face)